Broken Wings Can't Fly
by LifezKuki
Summary: Kuki's life as a teenager. She's scared. She's suicidal. Her boyfriend is abused. She was an angel, but her wings are broken. And as you know, broken wings can't fly. First chapters are a little short. 34, OOC
1. Prolouge

My name is Kuki Toya Sanban  
I hate my last name.  
I hate going to court;;;  
In fact, I hate anywhere where there's people judging you.  
Lindsey Lohayn's boobs are fake.  
I never yell unless someone yells at me.  
I stay up for hours at night just thinking, and crying.  
I used to think about dying all the time;;;  
I haven't recently.  
I have an insane fear of growing up.  
I love glitter.  
I hate closed-minded people.  
I love taking pictures.  
I hate being in pictures.  
I never look good in pictures.  
I act differently around different people.  
I like when people talk about me.  
I hate my smile.  
I over analyze things way too much.  
I love roller coasters but hate heights;;;  
Because I'm afraid of falling.  
I am a hypocrite.  
I am obsessed with music.  
I hate hatred.  
I hate dogs.  
I care too much what people think, and I hate that.  
My family is not perfect.  
I like Wally like crazy.  
I can't sleep without having a Rainbow Monkey next to me.  
I love scary movies with a guy.  
I'm a semi-perfectionist.  
I have a list of people that need to die;;;  
It includes Father, Daddy, and Mr. Beetles.  
I love watching cartoons with my baby sister.  
I have fallen in love.  
I can't find help for my boyfriend's abuse.  
I am broken.


	2. Dairy Entry

June 30th, 2005---9:29 AM

He's in my room again. Lying on my bed asleep. He comes here so often now. It's not that I don't love him being here---I really do---but it's my parents. They're gonna see him some day. They're gonna kick him out. Then where will he go? Home? That's a crazy notion. His dad will find out where he's been and guess what he'll do. C'mon. Guess.

I'm broken. Did you know that? I guess I've known for a while. I used to be happy. Playful. Smiling. I was the perfect angel. Wings included. When I was born I had wings tattooed on my back. My parents thought it would make me an angel if I did. I would be the perfect daughter. They did the same for Mushi too. She ended up being the angel. I ended up not. I guess my wings broke. It just happened on my thirteenth birthday. My new favorite color was black. I wore black eyeliner. I secluded myself from my family. I grew too. I got the biggest boobs in my class. A 36 D. Isn't that crazy! And my ass. We won't even go there. That sucker is huge too. And I had a few boyfriends. Nothing big. They didn't last over three weeks. Until I went out with Wally.

I had made out before. I mean I'm seventeen, who hasn't? So I made out with him quite often. I still do. And when his father beats him, he comes over and stays the night. I kiss away the pain. I love him. I really do. I mean I know that there are many people who say they are in love in their teenage years, but I've been with him for three years. I love him.

Did you know that I cut myself? I've been doing that since my wings broke. I guess since I couldn't fly away from my pain or cover it up anymore, I converted emotional pain into physical pain. It's the only way I know how to deal with it. A lot of people I know do. We all used to be really happy. We all used to stay over at each other's houses and play all day and night. Now we sit around in my room and listen to emo screamo and sometimes I'll cut.

Am I emo? I really don't know. People say that I'm not but they only see my mask. I perform for school and family. They know me as the happy-go-lucky preppy punk with hardship that I have miraculously gotten over. Do they know that I sit in my room every night crying? Bleeding? Screaming? Dying? And that's usually when Wally comes over and helps me. He cleans up the blood even though he's dripping with it too. He kisses my cuts even though he's covered with them. He wipes away my tears as he's crying. He silences my screaming even though he feels like doing the same. Then I look into his eyes. I see the pain and hurt that he feels from seeing me do this to myself. He tells me it's stupid. Why would I want to die when he will be taking care of me in a year?

I'm stopping. Right now I will never cut again. I threw the knives out the window. Let someone else find them. I have no need for them now. Sure I still want to die, but why take the slow way?

Wally is waking up now. He's been asleep since he limped in after one of the bad beatings. I can't believe that Mr. Beatles would do this to him. He's the most respected man in society and he hits his son! Why?

I'll write more later.  
Kuki Toya


	3. Classwork

Kuki Sanban  
September 3rd, 2005  
5th Period A.P. Philosophy  
Mr. Moore  
Life Theory Response

Every child is an angel. They are born happy and innocent and pure. In Japan it is tradition to have wings tattooed on your child's back to make sure they keep that state of innocence and purity. My sister Mushi and I both have them---mine in black and her's in gray. But my parents did not know that the color of the wings mattered. Gray wings mean that you will stay angelic forever. Red means that you will be a romantic angel. Purple means that you will stay happy. Black is the worst color to get, but my parents did not know that at the time. Black means you will be in that state until you stop being a child and turn into an adolescent.

When I turned thirteen I stopped being a child. At that point I could become anything: a prep, a goth, a hippie, a sweetheart. But the first group that grabbed me was the rockers. I became a punk rock princess---garage band king included. The color I owned to most of was black. I wore black eyeliner with hot pink eye shadow underneath in duplication of my favorite bands, The Used and My Chemical Romance. I spent my days crying and playing guitar. At that point, my wings were broken.

Most people ask how my wings broke once I tell them. I don't know how to explain how my wings broke. It happened when I disowned my Rainbow Monkeys and replaced them with a guitar and emo screamo music. But they fully broke is when I replaced tea parties with my friends to cutting parties. But I don't do that anymore.

An adolescent can change back into an angel, but it takes time and much work. I am trying to go back to my angelic form but still remain a punk rock princess. I have already made improvement. My cussing has softened and my cutting has stopped. My next task is to find joy in life again. And even though I will be changing these things, I will still keep my music and style. My theory is that a child can change horribly for years but find a way to get back to an angelic state. Although they can't fully change into the angel that they once were, they don't have to stay lost forever.

**GRADE: **87

* * *

"Are you really going to change?"

"Hell no. I just wrote that I would so the damn counselor would get off my back."

"Do you believe your theory? Or was that to get Mrs. Crow off your back too?"

I looked into Wally's eyes. After seeing the pain in them I turned away. My own eyes filled with tears. "Yeah. Not everyone has to feel pain. Some choose it and some are forced with it. The ones forced with it don't have to stay lost if they don't want too. It's not their fault they've been lost."

He put his hand on my shoulder and I looked at him again. He saw my tears. "Baby, if I was found would I have you? The broken path led me to you. And in 3 months we can take care of each other and neither of us will be lost. Then we can live happily ever after. Well as happy as a punk rock princess and a garage band king can be."

I laughed while hugging him. I love the nice Wally smell I get when I hug him. "Time to be a happy-go-lucky preppy punk." Wally groaned as I pulled on my façade for the world. No one could know what I was really like.

"I love you sweetie," he whispered as I gave him a good-bye kiss. We both headed to our separate classes. I went to A.P. Literature and he headed to C.P. Cal.

"Hey Kuki," Abby called from across the room. "What's up?"

"Not much," I giggled. I hate giggling. "Wally is just such a sweetheart!"

"Aww. What did he do?"

"Just being himself. I love him. Did you know that?"

"I hear that everyday. Hey, did you do last night's homework?"

Damn! I left that at home. I needed to recopy it since Wally accidentally got some blood on it when he came over last night. His dad had hit him so hard. Why did he even come to school today? Mrs. Crow is gonna call him in and ask him what happened. Then she's gonna call his dad and he'll be pissed because he'll think that Wally told someone. Then he'll hit him again and Wally will come over and risk me getting hit too. I haven't been hit in three months and I don't want it to start again now.

"Damn. I left it at home. What am I gonna do?"

"Pray for a miracle that Mrs. Lapwing won't take it up."

She stepped to the front of the room with a grave look upon her face. "Class, I will not be here for the next couple of days. My son Blair has just past and I will need to stay home for a while."

"Why did you come today?" Abby asked. She was close with Mrs. Lapwing since she was dating her youngest son Paden for four years.

"I just got the call from the army today. I'll be leaving and a substitute should be here shortly." And with that, she left the room in tears.

* * *

Wally was lying on my bed again. He needed help with Calculus and his father had just finished beating him just like I predicted. He was so adorable. His hair was falling in front of his empty eyes. He was biting his bottom lip as blood was still dripping slowly from his arms. The white long sleeved shirt he had under the sleeveless orange hoodie had blood stains all over it and his ripped pants were being held up by a piece of rope since his dad spent all the money on booze. And his boxers were showing: blue plaid. Just looking at him was enough to get me worked up. But we had promised that we were going to wait till our wedding night in 3 months even though everyone else at Mill Creek thought we were banging already.

"I need help," he said while pulling me over to the bed by my waist.

I thought about his family. His life. His pain. Not thinking about the math problems, I replied. "Yeah, you do. But I'm here."

I took his hand and he gave mine a simple kiss. "I know you are. And I'm here for you. We'll be each other's support." Somehow he knew what I was thinking about.

"Just three more months till I turn eighteen." I whispered into his delicate ear.

"And we can live happily ever after that night," he whispered back. It made it so hard to keep our promise of waiting. It sent chills up my spine and I was ready to go, but I have to wait. Damn.


	4. Police Station

"Now Ms. Sanban, I'm going to need you to answer my questions. Can you do that?"

I sat in sadness. "Mrs. Beetles. My name is Kuki Beetles."

"Well Ms., it would have been if tonight would have been different. Now Ms. Sanban, can you tell me what happened?"

The walls radiated fear. The lights flickered in desperate need for the florescent bulbs to be changed. And the man in front of me was absolutely terrifying with his suit and tape recorder sitting on the table. Why was I even in this interrogation room?

"Now Ms. Sanban, what were you and Mr. Beetles doing tonight?"

Of course he would start with the simple questions. What were you doing? Who were you with? What happened? Then the difficult ones. Can you give me more detail? Can you describe that better? Who was it? Did you happen to see the man's face? Could you identify him in a line up?

"Ms. Sanban?"

"I'm thinking," I grumbled back at the police officer. "We went to the courthouse to get married. Since it is my eighteenth birthday and we wanted to get married as soon as possible, we both sunk out of our houses to the courthouse to elope in a way."

"Who were you with?"

What did I tell you? So predictable.

"It was just the two of us and our friend Nigel. He was driving us there."

"What happened, Ms. Sanban?"

Could this be anymore scripted? Honestly.

"Well we got there and we were running up the stairs laughing because we were so excited that we were actually getting married. Then all of a sudden someone ran by the courthouse and shot at us. He missed me and shot Wally. He just fell down. He just died." Tears stung my face. My sweetheart. He died right in front of me. And I didn't prevent it.

"Do you have any more detail you could provide for the record? Did you know the man? Did you see what he looked like? Could you identify him in a line up?"

The second police officer in the room interfered. "Hardeman, calm down. Her fiancée just died in front of her. She's a little shaken up from the shock."

"Well my wife and love of 15 years died the same way and her murder was never given justice. I just don't want this poor girl ending up like I am."

"No reason to bring your personal life into it. Now Ms. Sanban, can you give more detail?"

The woman police officer was a lot nicer than the man. But he looked like he was hurt by my specific case. He did say it happened to him too.

"Well Nigel was playing music really loud from the car and was laughing as we were running up the courthouse stairs. We had stopped at Kroger and I had a small rose bouquet. Wally and I were racing up even though it was midnight. And then when he stopped running and pulled me close to him for a kiss, someone ran by the courthouse and shot at us. He barley missed me but hit Wally. And then Wally's lips just fell from mine as he fell down onto the stairs. And that's it."

The woman handed me a box of tissues, but I didn't touch them at all. I told everything I could. There would be nothing else.

"Anything you can tell us about the man, Ms. Sanban?" Officer Hardeman asked. I could tell he was trying to be sincere.

"No. Nigel might have seen him or known him. You could ask him. But I don't know. I just want Wally back!"

A voice came in through the room. It was someone on the other side of the mirror. "That's enough Hardeman and Duke. Get this girl back to the hospital. The bullet grazed her back and needs looked at still."

And that's when they came in. Abby and Hoagie came in and lead me out of the emotionless room. Officer Hardeman was sitting with his face in his hands and Officer Duke was rubbing his back. Abby was still mourning her boyfriend's brother's death and had managed to come to me. Hoagie was always there for us. Nigel was probably being interrogated now. And Wally? He was in the morgue where none of us would ever see him alive again. All because of my jealous ex-boyfriend.


	5. Speaking to the Grave

The weather channel said clear skies. And I'm glad they lied.

It was 45 degrees and pouring rain. And I was outside. In the rain. Laying on the ground. Freashly dug ground. They had just burried him. And I refused to leave.

"Wally," I started, "I know who killed you. And I know you know it too. And I'm so sorry."

My voice was barely a whisper and I couldn't tell if I was more wet from crying or from the rain. I drove my arms into the fresh mud and moved my body towards him. I looked at the tombstone. Then I decided I should tell it. Get it all out while it was still in my mind. So I sat up. My legs crossed and I started drawing in the mud.

I was most likely a pitiful sight. Clothes and body covered in mud. Hair coated in mud and the rain make it stick down on my head. And I told Wally who killed him. Why they did it. Why I didn't tell. Why things were happening this way.

* * *

Two years ago. It seemed so long ago. And Mushi was finally with Tommy. But something was wrong. He didn't look at her. He didn't touch her. He didn't flirt with her. No. He looked at me. He flirted with me. He touched me.

At first it was cute. A silly eighth grader looking at his girlfriend's older sister's body. The delicate curves of her waist. Her smiling face. Her flat stomach. Her tiny brests. Her long legs. He would flirt the same way Hoagie made up cheesy lines in the Kids Next Door. So Kuki laughed it off. Encouraged it even. Not to hurt Mushi. No. Just because he was so silly.

But one day he crossed the line. Tommy had grown up. He lost his baby fat. He had a growth spurt. He was the attractive and muscular "it" boy of the eighth grade. Kuki was home alone and Tommy came over to pick Mushi up for a date.

"She's still at ballet. You can come in and wait for her if you'd like."

Tommy looked around and gave Kuki elevator eyes. "Are your parents home?" The miniskirt and tank top were too much for his young hormones.

Kuki laughed inside her head, but managed to only smile on the outside. "Nope. Just you and me."

Tommy walked in and sat innocently enough on the couch. Kuki sat next to him.

"You know Kuki, I've had my eye on you."

"Oh really." This was all too funny.

"Yeah. I don't want Mushi. I need someone older. Someone with more experience. Someone more developed. Someone like you."

Kuki couldn't hold it in any longer. She laughed. "Oh Tommy. That's cute, but you're my sister's boyfriend and way too young for me."

That wasn't good enough. He rubbed his hand on her bare knee.

"Tommy stop." Kuki pushed his hand off and stood up.

Tommy got up next to her. He pushed her down on the couch. "I know girls and I know you didn't really mean that. It's okay Kuki. I know you want me. You can say it."

She tried to stand up but he held her down. Kuki proceded to tell Tommy to stop. He held her hands together above her head with one hand and let the other wander free. It found its way up her skirt. "You like that?" He asked as his awkward fingers stroked her thighs and sky blue thong.

The boy had gone mad. Kuki was bawling. Pleading for Tommy to stop. This was not right. She did not like this. This was her sister's creepy girlfriend. Where were her friends to help her? Of course the study group wouldn't be over for another hour. When her parents and sister got home as well.

Tommy skillfully unbuttoned and unziped Kuki's skirt which made it hard to believe he hadn't done the same to Mushi.

"You will not fight back," he whispeared threateningly in her ear. "I am going to let go of your hands and contiune what I am doing. If you fight back I will hit you."

He let his hands down. They both wondered down to her skirt and pulled it off forcefully. Kuki sat on the couch in her thong and a white tank top cami. He ripped the cami over her head and threw it next to the skirt. Kuki was sobbing. Begging him to stop. Tommy ripped his shirt off and tore off Kuki's matching bra. Tommy then proceded to take his pants off. She begged. He ripped off her thong with his teeth. His tounge then traced up her leg to her inner thigh in attempt to make her enjoy it as well. Tommy released himself and pushed Kuki so she was laying on the floor. He held her wrists above her head with so much force that there were bruises. He then forced himself in her virgin body causing her to scream and cry harder. Tommy pressed his lips against her lips in order to quiet her. He thrusted in and out with force and speed while Kuki cried.

"Stop." That's all she said over and over again.

And in 45 painful minutes, Tommy finally came and stopped. He pulled out of Kuki and got dressed. He opened the front door.

"I'll call Mushi later tonight. I'm a bit tired now."

* * *

"So you see Wally, it was Tommy who killed you. He was mad at me and you for being with each other. So he decided that if I wouldn't be with him, I shouldn't be with anyone. And he tried to kill us both to prove his thought."

The grave stayed silent.

"I couldn't tell. That was Mushi's boyfriend of a year. Tommy's little brother. And if I told the police that he killed you and attempted at me then they would ask why. I would tell them. They would ask why I thought that and I just can't bare to tell strangers that. It took me until you were dead to tell you! Damnit Wally! Do you understand why I was broken now? Why I was so upset all the time? I love you and now I just don't know what to do."

Kuki stayed sitting in the cemetery. Crying. Staring at the tombstone of her one true love.


End file.
